- Thanks Mike
- Your wife/sister complains about that framed portrait of Hulk
Hogan over the fireplace.
- More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid
- You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- Your front porch collapses and kills more than three
- You've ever used lard in bed.
- Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
- You've ever been arrested for loitering.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
- There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
- You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to
make it look nice.
- You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the
floorboard of your car.
- Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
- There is a wasp nest in your living room.
- The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your
- You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his
- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front
- You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
- You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
- The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
- Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
- Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
- Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
- Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a
- Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure
out how to fix it.
- Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
- You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
- You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin'
- You're an expert on worm beds.
- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your
- Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so
I can take a bath!"
- Your family tree does not fork.
- The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
- You haul more than U-Haul.
- Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced,
"The feud is back on!"
- There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
- Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
- Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
- Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
- Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart
- The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying
- Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You've ever financed a tattoo.
- You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the
"day my ship came in."
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high
school sports event.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- You own all the components of soap on a rope except the
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the
- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the governor to spare a loved one.
- You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
- your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game
because of her language.
- You can't tell what color your car is because of the
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since
"Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- None of your shirts cover your stomach.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy
size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
- You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- Bikers back down from your momma.
- You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
- Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
- The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
- You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
- The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond
with the same... they're a redneck too!)
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
- You clean your nails with a stick.
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
- People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
- You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
- You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention
of all time.
- You've ever been too drunk to fish.
- You've ever bought a used cap.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
- Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the
- Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help
take the wheels off it.
- In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam
- Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
- You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
- You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
- The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
- Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to
have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired
- You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can
in the car.
- Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
- Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at
- Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
- You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
"Georgia on My Mind".
- You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad
made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.
- You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear
to the 4-H Fair.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
- Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this
afore I flush it."
- Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
- You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has
- You mow your lawn and find a car.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
- You are still holding on to Confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
- You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
- You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly
- You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
- You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the
- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a
- You've never paid for a haircut.
- You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
- There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack
hanging in your truck.
- You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just
- You've ever made change in the offering plate.
- The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior
- You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and
the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
- You own at least 20 baseball hats.
- You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
- You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
- You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your
- When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
- Your screen door has no screen.
- Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole
coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
- Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on
- Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my
finger" trick at the family reunion.
- When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents
of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if
you can lose them or not.
- You have a house that's mobile and five cars that
- You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
- Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
- You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis
over your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front
- It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow
- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray
are the three of the primary colors.
- You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to
defend your sister's honor.
- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer
- The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
- Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat
tire...on her house
- The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
- You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so
you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
- You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a
law against it.
- You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
- Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
- You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a
- You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch
- When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds
you to pull up your jeans.
- Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction
in your home town.
- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank
of gas in the truck.
- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've
got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
- You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton
singing "I Will Always Love You".
- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a
- Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy
Center. (Clinton true-life story)
- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for
- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your
- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the
- Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
- Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your
- Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
- Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
restroom was flooded.
- During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom
- You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when
it gets light.
- On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys
to the tractor.
- Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up,
- You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer
- In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly
- Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy
- You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
- You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car
- You bring your dog to work with you.
- Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper
- You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
- You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
- Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your
- Your masseuse uses lard.
- Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
- You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
- On stag night, you take a real deer.
- You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
- Your back porch is bigger than your house.
- There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
- You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
- A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy
- An expired license plate means another decoration for your
living room wall.
- You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's
- You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating
- Your secret family recipe is illegal.
- Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
- Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the
- Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
- Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
- You think people that send out graduation announcements are
- Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
- Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit
- You think cur is a breed of dog.
- People hear your car long before they see it.
- Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
- Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for
- Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
- Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
- Your birth announcement included the word "rug
- You've ever hitchhiked naked,
- You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
- You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
- Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a
- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
- The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false
- Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
- Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
- There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against
- You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
- The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of
- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
- You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
- Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
- You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
- The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of
- You list your parole officer as a reference.
- There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
- Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
- There are more dishes in your sink than in your
- You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
- You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a
freak of nature.
- Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank
- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
- You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt
for Sale" sign in the front yard.
- You're still scalping tickets after the concert is
- You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny. :) Every time you see
a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
- You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your
- You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights
and radio to work.
- The tires on your pick-up are taller than your
- The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you
- Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
- Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes
- You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
- You have barnyard animals living in your house.
- Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in
one of the rear pockets.
- Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control
is a steady hand."
- Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under
the front of the pickup seat.
- You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only
for use on possums.
- You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
- You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up
near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs
when they get into it.
- You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the
- You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your
house....not including 22 caliber.
- You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
- You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at
Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
- You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
- You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart
- You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
- Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.
- It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn
- You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
- You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
- Your dog is your alarm clock.
- Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second
- You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on
- You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of
- You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when
crossing the creek.
- It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a
full set of teeth.
- You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour
arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
- You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar
- You think the tobacco companies have done nothing
- You've ever shoplifted Spam.
- You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on
- Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so
that your family won't go hungry.
- You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
- Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
- You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.
- You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say
"Cool Whip" on the side.
- You have to call the police more than once a week to remove
your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
- Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
- You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than
paying for a motel room.
- None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
- You are driving the car you were conceived in.
- You've ever used scissors on food.
- You've ever re-used a paper plate.
- Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation
and there was nothing you could do about it.
- When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know
whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
- You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make
half your guns illegal.
- You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
- You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks
are being used as the truck's gas cap.
- You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
- You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
- Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
- You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your
- You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA
application for his birthday.
- You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself
- A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look
- You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use
- You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your
- You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for
- You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.
- You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
- You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.
- You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for
mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
- The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds
- Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the
bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
- You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
- You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn
- You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same
- On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be
found in a dictionary.